Under the Influence
by Hidden Willow
Summary: Maria and Michael. Michael and Maria. How does Tess fit into all this?


Under the Influence   
  
Title: Under the Influence   
Author: Hidden Willow   
Email: Willow4614@hotmail.com   
Summary: Maria thinks about her relationship with Michael and how she found friendship with Tess.   
Rating: PG-13   
Spoilers: Up to and including Departure   
Distribution: Ask me first.   
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell or the Roswell characters.   
Thanxs: to Stephanie for beta-reading and thinking up a title.   
Feedback: Don't traumatize me now =) Constructive criticism please. All flames will be redirected to the writers to encourage them to resolve all those pesky CHADs.   
  
Author's Note:   
1)This is a slightly disturbing look at Maria's relationship to Michael. You have been warned.   
2) Alternate timeline picking up after Viva Las Vegas. So Alex never died, Tess never had sex with Max, there are no plans for a "weekend trip" to Antar, and Tess nor Nasedo ever made a pact with the Skins.   
  
**************   
  
  
I can't believe he got me Scooby-Doo dinner plates. Even now that still makes me giggle. Michael Guerin got _me_, Maria DeLuca, Scooby-Doo dinner plates. I try to hide a grin, but fail miserably. How can I hide how happy I am? Why should I? I have the man of my dreams. Oh I _had_ him alright. A more naughty series of giggles is set off by that thought. 

I knew it would happen. Every time Liz gave me one of her "why do you even bother with him?" looks or when I saw Isabel's "it'll never happen" hard stares, I willed myself to accept what they already knew. But then a wave of determination and love and about a billion other things would hit me. And I knew I would prove them wrong. 

When I looked at Max and Liz and saw them look back at me. I knew what they thought. They thought I wanted what they had. For a while I even did. I wanted those soul-searching looks across the room, those pained "how can I ever live without you?" looks. But I realized that kind of love just wasn't for me. 

No one knew what I was really after and that's why everyone thought I'd never get what I wanted. But I wanted something completely different. In my dreams Michael would tell me he didn't love me, want me, or need me. And at his most vicious he would tell me I could never mean as much to him as Max and Isabel meant to him. But when he'd say these things in my dreams, I didn't listen to him. I didn't bother to cry, argue, yell, or even care because I didn't want him to feel any other way at the moment. 

I wanted him to hate me, only to later slowly fall in love despite everything inside of him fighting against it. I wanted him to feel panic as his control slipped, as he began to feel the fixation and desire, and lastly the inevitable love that follows. I wanted things to be like this because I needed Michael to feel everything he had put me through. 

I didn't have to wait long before he started to see me as something more than "that weird girl." Soon enough we were playing a game of cat and mouse that half drove me insane and half left me begging for more. But eventually, just as I knew it would happen, I had him. I thought maybe this time for a good long while. But, no, he decided to say I love you when he broke up with me. Jerk. I was upset. I wanted to kill him as much as I wanted to kiss him. It was always like that with him. I was always faced with the hard choice of whether I should jump his bones or whether I should kill him for playing with my emotions. 

I thought about him a lot. Too much. I knew that. I was writing his name during class. I found myself in the bathroom after a hot shower wiping away the fog in the mirror with the letters of his name. And when Courtney had come along I had permanently borrowed her picture collection of Michael. 

I had realized after he had broke things off how much of my life was now occupied with him. That whole summer I had spent countless times dialing his phone number. He knew I called practically everyday. What he didn't know was how many other times I hadn't managed to finish dialing because I was too blind from my tears. I was nothing short of terrified by the thought that it was really over. It wasn't though, but in no way or form was it going to be easy for us to stay together. 

Funny. In retrospect I realize that all those moments that almost signaled the end of our relationship involved Tess. There was the aforementioned time he said I love you, now good-bye. He had been scared after discovering he was a warrior, which of course wouldn't have happened if not for Tess, the so-called bringer of destiny. 

The other time was when I accidentally heard that Isabel was pregnant with his child. I was crushed, angry, horrified, and concerned for her, the child, and him, but what did he have to say for himself? He said our relationship was stupid. He was saying I was stupid. Once again all that mattered was somebody that wasn't me. Destiny just loved kicking me while I was down. His words practically killed me. Even now it's hard to admit how destructive Michael has been to me. It's even harder for me to admit I'm not as strong as I think I am. 

I doubt Tess ever thought about the affect she was having outside the Liz-Max-Tess triangle. But, boy, did she affect me. That's why I hated her. She didn't even know what she was doing to me. I knew she wouldn't have cared anyway, but the fact that she didn't even know she was ruining my life got to me. She didn't even need to be spouting destiny to Michael and Isabel because in all reality she stopped caring whether or not they hooked up. All she saw was her and Max. Sure she wanted the whole Royal Four to be her little family, but when Isabel became an ice queen to her and Michael never ended up being a brother figure to her, she knew where to keep her focus. 

My last straw with Tess was when I learned about Future Max. I had just heard from that stupid fortuneteller (not like they even have any validity whatsoever) that my relationship with Michael would be over within days. Then, I caught Michael with that hoe-bag Courtney who was prancing around him in a towel. And then bang! Liz tells me that Tess left Roswell in an alternate timeline which resulted in the end of the world. Luckily, Liz had managed to prevent all that by sacrificing her future with Max. 

If I hadn't known Liz practically all my life, I would have been stricken by all the virtue she had. But all these thoughts came later. All I could hear while she told me her story was my blood rushing through my ears. Tess had screwed everyone over again. Since Day 1 it had been about the Royal Four and their duties, and now when it came down to the punch Tess had walked away from all of it just because Max wasn't hot for her. 

Liz didn't seem to think along those lines. She was just happy the world had a future again. The only thing that made me happy was the possibility that in this timeline Michael and I had a chance. Tess had almost ended what I had with Michael. I wouldn't let her do it one more time. I could make Isabel hand over her Ice Queen title with the way I planned to treat Tess. But that wouldn't solve my problem. And, once again, when things were at the vital point for me and Michael Tess came in with the ability to blow everything away... 

**** 

I had been at the Crashdown with closing time approaching as I gave Tess the evil eye when she wasn't looking, willing her to take the hint and get the hell out so I could go home. Of course that wouldn't be like Tess to actually have a clue. She didn't know when she wasn't wanted. She was finishing off a milkshake, sitting at her usual booth with Max on the opposite side. Or rather where Max should have been. He had gone upstairs with Liz to retrieve her notes on some class that I had probably spent doodling in my notebook. They sucked at cover stories. Suuuuure, they were just fetching notes. Uh-huh. 

I pretended to wash off the countertop as I waited for Max to get his ass back downstairs and waited for Tess to finish what seemed to be a never-ending milkshake. I didn't think she was actually drinking it. Maybe she was just pretending, too. 

I looked back at her feeling her eyes on me. Sure enough she was looking at me. The nice thing to do would have been to sit down and chitchat, but I hated her so I opted to be rude and go change out of the Crashdown uniform instead. 

Afterall, Tess was the reason I had spent so much time trying to get the two love birds, who were now upstairs "comparing notes," back together. If Tess thought she could stir up trouble in my life and have no consequences, well she could think again. I had to give Tess credit though. She was going after what she wanted even though the odds were stacked against her. She was either really determined or really pathetic. Both, I concluded. 

I finished changing into my nice non-turquoise clothes and went to the bathroom to put on some make-up. It was Michael's day off and he was supposed to pick me up in a few minutes. Supposed to being the key words with Michael. His ability to somehow not pick me up even when we worked on the same schedule was astounding. 

When I returned to get my things, I saw Tess sitting in the back room staring at me. I told her in a rather nasty tone that Max wasn't here, he was still upstairs with Liz... and incidentally the bed was also located there. 

She didn't say anything. She just sat there looking rather benign as usual when it came to Max, but when I saw what was in her hands she suddenly seemed a lot more dangerous. She was reading my papers. I wondered when the hell she had managed to go through my stuff. I had only been gone for a minute. 

I quickly assessed what she could be reading. Either harmless notes on science or some Michael-related paraphernalia. When she finally looked up at me, I knew that some science dribble could not be holding her attention. I was put off balance that her face didn't hold a malicious smirk. An evil Tess I could handle, but what the hell was going through this Tess's head? 

Now she knew exactly how I felt about Michael and up until this point I knew it wasn't something I could discuss with anyone because they wouldn't understand, but I never had the sinking feeling that if someone found out I would be in trouble. It occurred to me now that nobody would understand because it wasn't normal of me to be acting or thinking this way. But love was crazy wasn't it? 

The moment was interrupted as Max suddenly came down the stairs and gestured to Tess that he was leaving. He said goodbye to me and Tess just put the papers down and walked out. 

I was stunned. That was it? No remark? No threat? No disgust? Nothing? Nothing. 

**** 

Things continued to get odd when she started talking to me in school and while I was working her table at the Crashdown. It was nothing much at first. Just a few casual remarks about some teacher we shared, a rumor flying at school, a TV show, stuff that was harmless. Soon the remarks turned into small conversations, and then I found myself talking to her on a daily basis. I didn't quite understand it at first, but now I knew why she was doing this. She understood me. She wasn't judging me. 

Liz, however, didn't understand what was going on between Tess and me. She was even hurt that I was spending time with the girl that was slowly taking Max from her. I love Liz, but she just didn't get that Tess gave me something she couldn't. But somehow Tess made me a better friend to Liz. I wasn't frustrated anymore that there was a part of me Liz just didn't understand. And in a way I think I centered Tess a bit. 

As we continued to spend time with each other Tess finally realized how she had affected me with her destiny babble. I learned, just as I had suspected, that she didn't care about the other two of the Royal Four. She wanted Max and Max alone. She didn't care how the other two paired up. One was a former traitor and the other a possible usurper to Max's throne. She didn't need them joining forces. Whatever worked for her, I thought, in regard to her logic. A voice nagged at me that the Royal Four needed to stick together. I didn't dispute that, but who said they needed to shack up for that to work out. 

I didn't let her friendship blind me. Maybe the others couldn't see she was mindwarping Max, but I could. I suppose I could tell because I knew how Tess worked. I knew how she acted on normal occasions and when she was acting strange. 

There seemed to be lots of things that nobody else could see. I was the only one who was aware of how close Liz and Sean were getting. Granted, he was my cousin and I thought he was slime in a bucket, but I was no fool. I saw the effect he had on her. At the beginning, she was smart to be cautious and later avoided him like the plague, but when things got hard he was there for her. All I had seen in the last few months was Max making Liz miserable, excluding a few brief moments in Las Vegas. Actually I take that back. They both made each other miserable. Sean was able to make her smile. I mean really smile. 

I also knew Tess would never keep away from Max. There would always be the Tess factor, and Liz would never be able to truly deal with that. There were so many problems in the way of Max and Liz and even worse so many they didn't seem to be aware of. One of those problems was that Max could swear off Tess until he was blue in the face, but those words meant nothing. Tess was a part of his life and to deny her without a chance would make Tess a ghost Max and Liz would never get rid of. 

I never confronted Tess on what she was doing. She knew I knew. It wasn't something you could confront really. Sort of like how she never really confronted me on my feelings towards Michael. The "right" thing to do would have been to alert everyone of Tess's wrongdoing. But I didn't. 

I knew Max and Liz didn't belong together right now. Liz belonged with Sean for the moment. Liz needed to not only move on, but she needed to stop preventing Max from moving on as well. I knew how hard she had worked to get Max and Tess together but she never really allowed him to go forward. Liz was so sure of Tess's feelings that she thought only she stood in the way. The truth was Tess's feelings for Max weren't quite what everyone thought they were. Along the way Tess had begun to fall for Kyle. This definitely wasn't part of the plan so Tess avoided the situation completely. It wasn't until later I realized she avoided the situation by mindwarping Kyle to think of her as a sister. 

And yet I said nothing. I learned somewhere along the line that you can't push people to the truth because that will accomplish nothing but resistance. People can only see the truth when they are ready. 

Besides, I thought Liz would continue to get closer to Sean and in the process let Max go. Max would never give Tess the time of day as a girlfriend without being mindwarped, and he owed it to her, himself, and Liz to find out the potential between them. 

As for Tess, she would never willingly let go of Max, even if he didn't love her. Even if he bit off his own arm to get away from her. But if she learned during their time together that she didn't want, need, or care for him like she had thought, she'd be off him so fast it would make the whole town of Roswell spin. 

So maybe in a sense I can redeem my actions or inaction as it were. But what I can't really explain because I know nobody would understand, except Tess, is what I did days later. 

**** 

It wasn't long before Tess and I finally had the mindwarping talk. I asked a few questions on how she did it, what it felt like, and if she had ever done it to me (to which she replied with twinkling eyes and a playful smirk. How reassuring). She told me she didn't understand why I hadn't told anyone about what she had been up to. I told her I thought it would do a hell of a lot more bad than good. I didn't tell her the exact reason, though, what I said was true enough. 

After all, the Royal Four needed her and if they had found out what she was doing she would be thrown out of Roswell before she had a chance to heal herself from the last kick in the ass she got. And I bet the first person in line would be Liz. Only later when the dust had settled and there would be no turning back for Tess or Roswell would Liz realize that she had just doomed us all. And then would come the gut wrenching guilt that would destroy Liz. Oh and the end of the world, quite possibly. 

Later on that night I wondered if she had mindwarped me. I wasn't as mad at the possibility as I was curious. Turns out Tess had been true to her word. She hadn't mindwarped me. She did something even more devious. I don't know the first time it happened, but I did remember the first time I noticed. 

It all started when Michael and I had been arguing about prom. He didn't want to go. He was the big ass rebel who thought prom was lame. Whatever. I thought I could use my usual tactic after I had inadvertently broken-up with him. I would pretend I was doing him a favor by forgiving him without the actual part of him apologizing. It didn't work. Damn. 

I decided to do the only sane thing I could think of when I started to get suspicious. I decided to break in to his apartment. This was the type of activity I should have done alone, but I couldn't face the ugly possibility by myself. The obvious choice to do something this crazy had Tess written all over the place, but she was busy "recovering" Max's memories from their past life. So I asked her if she could get Liz to go with me. Tess came through for me during one of her memory recovering breaks and mindwarped Liz into thinking breaking-and-entering was an everyday activity. Though it sort of was when you were in cahoots with the podsters. 

I was hysterical when I found evidence he had been cheating on me. Somehow I gathered myself together so I could at least pretend I had some dignity left by going to the prom without him. I was determined to have fun even if it killed me. Needless to say I spent half the prom night cursing his name. 

All of this came to a halt when I found myself staring at Michael in a tux. I felt like the world had stopped and my heart was going a billion miles a minute. We had had fights before, but his gestures never went this far. That's when I felt that funny feeling in the air and I knew. 

I looked around seeing nothing unusual but despite what my eyes told me I had been around Tess long enough to know when things weren't quite right. Though I was curious as to what Tess was doing, I was even more curious to find out just how far Tess would take this mindwarp. Pretty damn far it would seem since it involved dancing lessons. Go Tess! 

I suppose this is the point when I should have told her to never manipulate Michael again even if she got him to do all the things I wanted him to do. But I figured as long as it stayed small it wouldn't be a big deal. So what if Michael secretly would leave a rose in my locker every now or then thanks to Tess? I was definitely happier since Tess had begun to intervene. I think seeing my smile was enough for her somehow. And whenever I smiled I always saw a smile begin to appear on her face no matter how hard she fought it. 

**** 

And here I am now thinking back to those cute Scooby-Doo dinner plates. I'm remembering the candlelight, the way the sheets felt against my skin, the way he opened his heart to me, and that inside of his heart I found myself. I relive the moments of his touch, his whispers, his weight on my body...everything. And I know I should feel guilty, disgusted, and about a billion other things because I don't know how much of that night was Michael and how much of it was Tess. But to me it makes no difference because I finally have Michael Guerin. And every part of him that doesn't exist for me Tess makes up for. 


End file.
